Ruminate & Ramble: Nothing Gold

It’s Monday. I’m trying to wrap up a work project that is insisting on just-one-more day. A real bummer because, as evidenced by the dust and mounds accumulated around me, I desperately need to get back to my life. I’m wearing the same shirt I slept in and yeah, it’s just gonna be like that today.

Thora started summer school this morning. I miss her when she’s gone and part of me feels sad that she has to get up and go. But the extra reading and math will only help her and she prefers the continuity of a routine. As do I. Those alleged carefree, rambling days of a lazy summer equal my brain spinning it’s wheels, directionless. I need goals and a timeline, and my kid is the same. Of course, summer school is not every day and not all summer long. We have lots of time for random fun and beach days and apparently, a summer party which she has fully planned and put on her calendar and mom, you set out the chairs.

I can’t stop thinking about Anthony Bourdain and these peonies aren’t helping. I suppose it’s appropriate that peonies don’t last very long. I clipped these from my yard and it wasn’t three days before they wilted. I still haven’t brought them out to the compost. Please, no advice about making them last longer. I’m okay with this. It’s beautiful just this way.

I can’t stop thinking about Anthony Bourdain. Maybe I am searching for the depression in his story, his voice, his smile, some warning for myself. I swear it’s there, a pained expression, a pleading. Living with depression is being a walking raw nerve. And he, with his great ability to empathize and bare witness to the varied aspects of human existence, is that too much for one person? Were these travels a way of avoiding or distracting himself from himself? From my perspective, which is hurried and not all that thorough and I’m certainly projecting, I saw someone looking for genuine connection, quality in relationships, realness of everything. Maybe that’s too much to ask of the world, of strangers, and makes everything a constant let down.

I have never been suicidal, I said that before, but neither have I lived with depression as long as he. That must’ve been exhausting. In this past year of me actively trying to take care of myself, to gain control of this voice in my head, I’m coming to accept the great effort it requires. If I slip a minute, the negativity swells so quickly. What I appreciate now is my awareness of it. I can intervene. I am worth it and still believe that. My husband sent me this post from David Choe. Please click through to the emails and the video at the end. There is great poignancy here that I appreciated.

Rest in peace and also fuck you-you are my hero and coward. I love you and hate what you did.you told me over a year ago that you were suffering from depression ,and more recently you reached out to tell me you were in a good place and doing much better. But you were hiding your truth from me and yourself, you became a master of wearing masks to show everyone you were ok, I’ve worn those same masks.you were a fantastic runner, maybe one of the greatest .you ran very hard from your demons and pain your whole life. You didn’t feel like you were allowed to feel bad for being depressed, because of the trappings of what it means to be the most interesting man in the world. Is the most interesting man allowed to raise his hand and ask for help ? Or is he a pussy?trauma is not a competition, Everyone’s pain is maximum to them. “He’s been everywhere in the world , where hasn’t he been ?” it sounds corny but he had been to every corner of the earth except , inside his own heart. I was rich only in material wealth and poor in emotional and spiritual wealth.i was miserable, the reason I know the window glass in the penthouse suite of the Bellagio doesnt break is because i wanted out , jump through into nothingness .the end.i knew no other way out I felt like no one could ever understand my pain, and even if they could I would never burden you with it.suicide seemed cool and romantic to me . It is not .it’s lame , so fucking lame. -Everything i’ve ever wanted or desired, true love true happiness is just on the other side of fear ,i am grateful to be alive today, I humble myself and kill every part of me that I despise when my ego returns- love,vulnerability, and true connection is my way out.I will always remember you , I will always remember your laugh and smile I will always remember our deep connection on life adventure recklessness travel junk food art and on the things we felt like we couldn’t share with the world in fear of being judged ,I will never forget you.I will choose to remember the light AND dark in you ,so I can have the courage to share my weakness so I can get strong.I love you and fuck you so much-I am hurting…i hope this helps someone

A post shared by DAVID CHOE (@davidchoe) on Jun 14, 2018 at 4:55am PDT

This is where my head is at today and tomorrow will probably be different. Mr. Bourdain had his jiu itsu and I have yoga and I’m making a point to get there this week. Just as soon as I make this deadline.