Ruminate & Ramble: Nothing Gold

It’s Monday. I’m trying to wrap up a work project that is insisting on just-one-more day. A real bummer because, as evidenced by the dust and mounds accumulated around me, I desperately need to get back to my life. I’m wearing the same shirt I slept in and yeah, it’s just gonna be like that today.

Thora started summer school this morning. I miss her when she’s gone and part of me feels sad that she has to get up and go. But the extra reading and math will only help her and she prefers the continuity of a routine. As do I. Those alleged carefree, rambling days of a lazy summer equal my brain spinning it’s wheels, directionless. I need goals and a timeline, and my kid is the same. Of course, summer school is not every day and not all summer long. We have lots of time for random fun and beach days and apparently, a summer party which she has fully planned and put on her calendar and mom, you set out the chairs.



I can’t stop thinking about Anthony Bourdain and these peonies aren’t helping. I suppose it’s appropriate that peonies don’t last very long. I clipped these from my yard and it wasn’t three days before they wilted. I still haven’t brought them out to the compost. Please, no advice about making them last longer. I’m okay with this. It’s beautiful just this way.

I can’t stop thinking about Anthony Bourdain. Maybe I am searching for the depression in his story, his voice, his smile, some warning for myself. I swear it’s there, a pained expression, a pleading. Living with depression is being a walking raw nerve. And he, with his great ability to empathize and bare witness to the varied aspects of human existence, is that too much for one person? Were these travels a way of avoiding or distracting himself from himself? From my perspective, which is hurried and not all that thorough and I’m certainly projecting, I saw someone looking for genuine connection, quality in relationships, realness of everything. Maybe that’s too much to ask of the world, of strangers, and makes everything a constant let down.

I have never been suicidal, I said that before, but neither have I lived with depression as long as he. That must’ve been exhausting. In this past year of me actively trying to take care of myself, to gain control of this voice in my head, I’m coming to accept the great effort it requires. If I slip a minute, the negativity swells so quickly. What I appreciate now is my awareness of it. I can intervene. I am worth it and still believe that. My husband sent me this post from David Choe. Please click through to the emails and the video at the end. There is great poignancy here that I appreciated.


Rest in peace and also fuck you-you are my hero and coward. I love you and hate what you told me over a year ago that you were suffering from depression ,and more recently you reached out to tell me you were in a good place and doing much better. But you were hiding your truth from me and yourself, you became a master of wearing masks to show everyone you were ok, I’ve worn those same were a fantastic runner, maybe one of the greatest .you ran very hard from your demons and pain your whole life. You didn’t feel like you were allowed to feel bad for being depressed, because of the trappings of what it means to be the most interesting man in the world. Is the most interesting man allowed to raise his hand and ask for help ? Or is he a pussy?trauma is not a competition, Everyone’s pain is maximum to them. “He’s been everywhere in the world , where hasn’t he been ?” it sounds corny but he had been to every corner of the earth except , inside his own heart. I was rich only in material wealth and poor in emotional and spiritual wealth.i was miserable, the reason I know the window glass in the penthouse suite of the Bellagio doesnt break is because i wanted out , jump through into nothingness .the end.i knew no other way out I felt like no one could ever understand my pain, and even if they could I would never burden you with it.suicide seemed cool and romantic to me . It is not .it’s lame , so fucking lame. -Everything i’ve ever wanted or desired, true love true happiness is just on the other side of fear ,i am grateful to be alive today, I humble myself and kill every part of me that I despise when my ego returns- love,vulnerability, and true connection is my way out.I will always remember you , I will always remember your laugh and smile I will always remember our deep connection on life adventure recklessness travel junk food art and on the things we felt like we couldn’t share with the world in fear of being judged ,I will never forget you.I will choose to remember the light AND dark in you ,so I can have the courage to share my weakness so I can get strong.I love you and fuck you so much-I am hurting…i hope this helps someone

A post shared by DAVID CHOE (@davidchoe) on


This is where my head is at today and tomorrow will probably be different. Mr. Bourdain had his jiu itsu and I have yoga and I’m making a point to get there this week. Just as soon as I make this deadline.

3 thoughts on “Ruminate & Ramble: Nothing Gold”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

togel deposit dana klik88 klik88s tok99toto Link alternatif klik88slot togel bsi mahjong gacor slot zeus maxwin akun pro kamboja gacor slot gacor agen bola88 situs toto situs sv388 tok99toto klik88slots link alternatif klik88 situs slot thailand bp77slot bandar sbobet rtp klik88slot rtp tok99toto rtp k86sport rtp one8slot slot thailand super gacor slot gacor thailand slot zeus idn live casinod slot dana indonesia slot maxwin terpercaya slot demo pragmatic sv388 slot mahjong ways pg soft taruhan bola sbobet slot thailand 2023 slot gacor situs slot server thailand slot zeus gampang menang link slot mahjong gacor slot dana slot mahjong ways link slot pg soft slot gacor thailand link slot thailand Slot thailand gacor slot88 resmi login k86sport sv388 online 24jam akun slot thailand slot bsi slot gacor slot server luar slot deposit dana slot deposit bsi link slot gacor server thailand bo tok99toto k86sport slot gacor server thailand link slot gacor thailand link slot gacor link server thailand slot88 gacor klik88slot thailand slot thailand slot5000 situs slot 5000 bandar togel 4d akun pro kamboja fun77 situs slot88 slot thailand x500 slot thailand maxwin slot link slot gacor slot gacor maxwin tok99 klik88slots gacor thailand akun pro vip slot toto link klik88 data sdy slot88 gacor maxwin slot thailand gacor maxwin slot zeus online sv388 slot pragmatic play slot toto togel ngamentogel akun pro server thailand link alternatif tok99toto situs tok99toto situs k86sport link alternatif k86sport link alternatif k86sport resmi tok99toto gacor slot zeus gacor slot thailand terbaik slot maxwin mudah menang judi pg soft slot server thailand super gacor link slot deposit dana Starlight Princess 1000 slot dana gacor ok88slot gacor slot macau akun pro slot thailand one8slot slot china 10 link slot thailand 12 link slot thailand slot mahjong terbaik data hk pragmatic play slot bandar toto resmi daftar slot maxwin slot gacor slot thailand super gacor gampang menang slot dana server thailand slot zeus gacor rtp tertinggi mahjong bet 200 slot deposit 10k situs slot ovo 5k pg soft resmi slot thailand super gacor hari ini sabung ayam sv388 slot pgsoft bet 200 mahjong 200 perak terbaru mas77toto slot gacor deposit dana bandar judi baccarat slot mahjong maxwin dewaslot mahjong slot777 resmi pragmatic bet 200 joker123 deposit 5000 slot depo 5k slot olympus 77 server thailand gacor slot-thailand super gacor slot mahjong ways 2 2023 link slot toto gacor link slot thailand 2023 pg soft bet 200 link slot gacor dana slot ovo anti rungkad akun pro thailand rtp slot gacor mudah maxwin slot ewallet dana gopay ovo linkaja slot live casino baccarat slot dana mudah maxwin slot thailand mudah menang terpercaya slot gacor hari ini slot server thailand super gacor 2023 slot depo ovo 10k slot mahjong gacor bet 200 situs togel terpercaya tok99toto deposit 5ribu situs slot88 gacor slot zeus maxwin bandar togel terpercaya slot88 server thailand ok88 slot gacor mudah maxwin deposit dana ok88slot ngacor slot thailand mudah maxwin fun77toto link fun77toto pg soft slot mahjong ways slot thailand gacor maxwin terbaik